


SHIELD Survival tips

by bazer63



Series: Rules of the Marvel Cinematic Universe [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Advice, Comedy, Gen, Includes Deadpool Daredevil and Spiderman, SHIELD, just because, shield agents are idiots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2016-03-31
Packaged: 2018-04-27 00:17:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 2,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5026309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bazer63/pseuds/bazer63
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically the title. First Comedy fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Advice for SHIELD Agents because a reliable Common Sense Test doesn't exist._

 

1)When requesting approval for an activity, Tony Stark's opinion is invalid.

 

2)Any and all medical and repair bills that come from provoking Bruce Banner come out of the provoker's wallet.

 

3)Punching Bruce Banner in the face and running is not an acceptable form of creating a distraction.

 

4)Never encourage Loki, Wade Wilson or Tony Stark to do anything that seems funny. It probably isn't.

 

5)Never make pirate jokes. Nick Fury will make you walk the plank. Off the Helicarrier.

 

6)Mission reports are not optional. Exceptions will be made for those with amnesia or Bruce Banner.

 

7)Unless you are the Hulk, using your name in the place of first person pronouns is banned. You were trained in how to speak properly.

 

8)Green Body paint is a bad idea,

 

9)Do not give Darcy Lewis a Taser when she's angry.

 

10)Volunteering for Tony Stark and Bruce Banner's experiments is idiotic.

 

11)So is disturbing them while in the lab.

 

12)Annoying Natasha Romanov is potentially a worse idea than annoying Bruce Banner. He gives you plenty of warnings.


	2. Apparantly this is funny so here is more

13)Don't steal Clint Barton's Bow. He has spares.

 

14)Natasha Romanov and Clint Barton did not have sex in Budapest. Stop asking.

 

15)Peter Parker is underage. That does not mean you need to baby him and he is perfectly capable of handling himself.

 

16)Don't say things you wouldn't say to Bruce Banner in front of Loki. Loki enjoys watching the Hulk beat up other people.

 

17)Do not under any circumstance harm one of the avengers. If the victim doesn't do anything, the rest will.

 

18)Don't insult, threaten or harm Jane Foster, Betty Ross, Peggy Carter or Pepper Potts. You will suffer.

 

19)Don't bring up parents around the Avengers. Just generally a bad idea.

 

20)Actually don't bring up parents around SHIELD at all.

 

21)Loki is a Jotun. That doesn't mean making him your personal ice cube is a good idea.

 

22)Wade Wilson, Matt Murdock and Peter Parker are not joining the Avengers. Peter is underage, Matt declined, and Wade is too crazy for even the Avengers.

 

23)If Wade Wilson is talking about non-existent individuals or an "author" ignore him. Your sanity will thank you.

 

24)Blind Justice jokes in reference to Matt Murdock were never funny. Don't even think about it.

 

25)Don't introduce Thor to Lilo and Stitch. Him attempting to reconnect with Loki after watching Frozen was bad enough.

 

26)Don't let Thor watch The Lion King. He will cry. You will cry too.

 

27)Don't drop recent pop-culture references around Steve Rogers. Either he won't get it and you'll have to explain something you've known most of your life, or he will and you will have to see his proudness, which while understandable, at knowing something you've known most of your life. Either way is annoying.

 

28)Phil Coulson is not a zombie. He will not eat your brains. He might shoot you in it if you don't stop asking if he is. On a related note, he's not a robot, alien or any other theory you have.


	3. Chapter 3

29)Don't, under any circumstances utter the following statements: "What's the worst that could happen", "What could possibly go wrong", "It can't get any worse", "But that's impossible/just a myth", "That's like a 1 in a million chance"

 

30)Always check to see if someone is actually dead before making the declaration.

 

31)Stop trying to seduce Natasha Romanov. She is called the Black Widow for a reason.

 

32)Don't under any circumstance use Natasha Romanov's codename as a way of making jokes about her. True or not, you will suffer.

 

33)Thor and the Hulk have got over their issues. So stop trying to get them to fight, we just got the walls fixed.

 

34)Bruce Banner already has stretchy Hulk trousers. Stop giving XXXXL trousers "just in case." And on that note, stop trying to get him to hulk out so you can take pictures. You won't get the pictures even if the camera did manage to survive.

 

35)Don't let Tony Stark near medical unless it's an emergency. We don't need flying stretchers.

 

36)Glitter is not allowed.

 

37)Peter Parker does not need help with his homework unless he says so.

 

38)Do not attempt any internet challenges while on SHIELD premises.

 

39)Matt Murdock can hear you. He has super hearing.

 

40)Don't get involved with Clint Barton's paintball/nerf/prank wars. You will lose.

 

41)Paperwork is the ultimate defense against The Avengers. None of them will talk to you while you have it for fear you'll make them help.

 

42)While the terms you should use in paper work are "incident" (For damage repairs) or "episode" (For medical) in every other context say "Hulk-Out." It saves time.

 

43)Yes, there is a procedure for sex-pollen. Yes, this is because it happened. No, we will not tell you who it was.


	4. Chapter 4

44)Public displays of affection are banned. You'd be surprised how many problems it solves.

45)All training courses are not optional and not a joke. You must be prepared for every eventuality.

46)The avengers are clever, creative and have very good ways of protecting the world. They are not to be used as behavioural role models. The only reason they get away with it is a combination of good excuses (that you do not share), most agents being terrified of them, and the fact that they are not disposable.

47)If it seems like a bad idea, then it probably is. You are allowed to do stupid things, (sometimes it's the only option), just our insurance doesn't cover it.

48)If you have to ask if it's allowed, then it probably isn't.

49)Yes, Natasha Romanov likes traditionally feminine things. She is still the best assassin in the world and that does not detract from that.

50)Do not use Tony Stark's nicknames for anyone.

51)Don't talk if you don't know what you are talking about. If you do, go for it.

52)Don't give Tony Stark ideas. It doesn't matter how cool you think it is. Same goes for Wade Wilson, Loki, Clint Barton or any scientist. Even if you've seen it in a film/TV program/book/ect.

53)Murphy Law is to be held as pure unadulterated truth.

54)The laws of physics may be able to brake. That doesn't mean you should try.

55)Don't mislead Steve Rogers, Thor or Loki about modern day Midgard. The rest of us have better things to do than correct your mistakes and it is embarrassing for everyone.

56)Don't touch Tony Stark's cars. On pain of death.

57)If you ever have the misfortune to meet General Ross. Do not bring up Bruce Banner/Hulk. If he does, (as professionally as possible) inform him that we are not letting him have custody of him, end the conversation as quickly as possible and alert Nick Fury. Alerting the Avengers is optional, but encouraged. We all hate the bastard.

58)Be aware of any and all exits from a room when entering it.

59)There is a form for all situations that you can think of. Don't make your own.

60)Snarky comments on forms and reports are unhelpful and wastes everyone's time.


	5. Chapter 5

61)The Medical wing is not optional.

62)Don't spar with an Avenger. You will lose.

63)The Hulk can take to people depending on Bruce Banner's relationship with them and how they treat him. The number of people on that list if very small and you are not on it.

64)Don't do drinking challenge with an Avenger. Bruce Banner will decline. You may beat Clint Barton but he will have revenge. The rest will beat you.

65)Don't replace "Peter Piper picked a pot of pickled peppers" with "Peter Parker picked a pot of pickled peppers"

66)Yes Peter Parker is biologically part spider. Yes his webs are biologically part of him. Do not ask why it's not nearer where it would be on a real spider. That is sexual harassment on a minor.

67)If Wade Wilson annoys you, while we will not punish you for it, don't shoot him. It won't do anything.

68)Don't ask if Matt Murdock and Foggy are dating. It is none of your business.

69)Phil Coulson is the Avengers handler, not their babysitter.

70)Don't grab any of the avengers unexpectedly.

71)Don't throw a pokeball at the avengers. It will shake three times then open. Every time.

72)Do not take advice from Wade Wilson.

73)While Loki does spend a ridiculous amount of time hanging round SHIELD, he is not one of us.

74)Don't ask Loki and Thor if certain stories from Norse mythology are true.

75)The Captain America shield is not to be used for target practice.

76)Do not bribe Loki to attend meetings, briefings and debriefings pretending to be you. He will show you up.

77)Do not ask Bruce Banner if he can do various activities "with his condition". If it was relevant to you, he'd tell you.

78)Do not ask why Clint Barton and Natasha Romanov are Avengers. You will find out. Painfully.

79)Nick Fury is curt. Don't take it personally.

80)Don't be sexist. You will die.


	6. Chapter 6

80)For hurd: DUMM-E is not be given fire extinguishers.

81)Rule of thumb: the nicer a person seems, the easier it will be for them to kill you.

82)Don't attempt to shoot the Hulk. The only thing you'll succeed in doing is annoying him, making yourself a target and wasting ammo. Get Betty Ross or one of the Avengers and get out of there.

83)Anyone who sets of a false fire/earthquake/tornado/hulk/invasion alarm is on the font line for a real one. There is no excuse for it.

84)Selfies on missions are stupid. You give away your position and don't do it. However, selfie sticks are allowed as they make deadly weapons.

85)Do not bribe an avenger with shawarma. The rest will request some.

86)Yes you risk your life often. But that doesn't mean you have to discard Health and Safety. Even the ones that seem stupid.

87)Your SHIELD issued pepper spray is to be used for self defense, not as a condiment.

89)Don't imitate Thor/Loki. It confuses Thor and Offends Loki.

90)No matter how much you want to be an avenger, don't attempt to give yourself superpowers. It will almost certainly kill you and we won't put you on the team.

91)Yes Bruce Banner has a higher than average body temperature. No that does not mean he can be your hot water bottle.

92)Clint Barton and Natasha Romanov are real Avengers. They will prove this to you if you imply otherwise.

93)Don't tamper with the coffee machines on pain of death.

94)"Loki'd" is not a word. Especially as someone won't define what the fuck it means.

95)Sometimes the Avengers fight each other. Don't place bets.

96)While we can't stop you from recreating internet fads or memes, not on Shield premises. Or with Wade Wilson.


	7. Chapter 7

97)No Johnny Storm and Steve Rogers are not related. Weirder things have happened and you have work to do.

98)Never accept a challenge from one of the avengers if you don't set the terms.

99)The Avengers are not SHIELD mascots. If they hear what you said, and they will, you can use your imagination to fill in the results.

100)Don't make the Hulk do the cinnamon challenge.

101)You have all seen the mentos/diet coke experiment. Don't do it. I wastes recourses and you see much bigger explosions/messes just by being part of SHIELD. Grow up.

102)We are not all American here. Bare that in mind when attempting to use the argument "You're making Captain America cry". As well as it being invalid

103)Nick Fury has ways of disagreeing with the WSC that you should not copy. Just say "no". It saves time and unlike your direct superior, the WSC deserves it.

104)The Avengers have attempted to get Therapy. It ended badly for everyone concerned and they all find each other are better therapists than real ones. Stop suggesting it.

105)Just because we are called SHIELD, does not mean you are allowed to use fellow agents as human shields. It is grounds for dismissal.

106)Food in the SHIELD cafeteria is not poisonous. Unless you annoyed Natasha Romanov or a member of the the kitchen staff/R&D. In which case, make your own food for a few days.

107)Don't live tweet while under fire. Yes Tony Stark does it, but a)see tip 1 and b)He has an advanced AI with him at all times. You don't.

108)For hurd: Don't try and give the Hulk cookies. He doesn't actually have a soft spot for them and he doesn't trust you.

109)Clint Barton has talents other than Archery. Never assume that you're safe because he doesn't have one on him. That applies to other specialist Agents.

110)When R&D are studying unknown technology, don't touch it. Otherwise bad things tend to happen. (We know about the Doomball incident)

111)None of our protocols or handbook guides are jokes.

112)Don't comment on people's appearances. People know how to use a mirror. They know what they look like and don't need reminding. Some may get a bit touchy.

113)Don't leave food lying around. Especially if you've annoyed someone recently. Or just don't as it's considered free for communal consumption.

114)Don't rely on autocorrect.

115)Try to have a balanced diet. Living off vending machine snacks and caffine is not advantagous to your health or your mission.


	8. Chapter 8

116)Everything can be used as a weapon. Everything.

117)The USO shows are not that entertaining. Refrain from playing them repeatedly on YouTube or mentioning them to Steve Rogers.

118)Don't mess with Tony Stark's robots if you want your Credit score to remain intact.

119)Bruce Banner does not actually like green. Please stop giving him green stuff. It isn't subtle, funny or helpful.

120)Peter Parker and Natasha Romanov do not like the spiderpuns. Nor do the rest of us. Stop it.

121)Foggy is not "the angel" to Matt Murdock's Daredevil.

122)If someone discloses to you that they are a mutant, respect their privacy and spread it around. Especially if their mutant powers allow them to do significant damage.

123)If one of the Avengers is hurt/kidnapped, it is most effective to let the others deal with it. You have been warned.

124)As tempting as it is, save the snarky comments about particularly obtuse hostiles until after the mission. You never know when they are listening.

125)Just because a hostile happens to achieve a SHIELD goal through lucky collateral damage, does not mean we are thick enough to ask for their help in the future. Stop taking the credit, it's practically insulting.

126)Don't mention Apple, Sony or Google around Tony Stark. Especially in a positive light.

127)If you don't get an in joke, don't ask, you probably don't want to know.

128)Yes his name is acually Doom. Yes this is ridiculous. Don't keep talking about it.

129)Sharpies are banned. Don't ask why, they just are.

130)"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is a bullshit phrase. So is the "Sticks and Stones" one. Don't use them.

131)Stop trying to get body swapped with the Avengers. You do not actually want to be them.

132)Do not touch, or ask questions about the glowwy light thing in Tony Stark's chest. He will kill you.

133)Don't put lemons in anything. It might explode.

134)If you're going to sing "Everything is Awesome", make sure it's not in a room where bad shit has just happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Announcement:  
> I am planning on doing a Rules of Avengers Tower series so I can do this with the main cast. This does not mean this series is over, but I keep thinking of things that would apply better to that kind of series


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the hiatus. Enjoy

Don't do a Marry, Fuck, Kill game of the Avengers or SHIELD agents.

No pranks in the Kitchen or Labs.

Don't insult Captain America in front of Phil Coulson.

No knives or guns allowed during meetings.

No alcohol/drugs during training and/or missions.

The fact you can do the Vulcan death grip is not impressive, and it is not to be relied upon.

Please don't make NO CAPES jokes.

We are not making Avengers films, no matter how awesome you think it would be.

If you want to be on a mission with an Avenger, this is not be used as an excuse for showing off or poor effort.

Do what Steve Rogers says. He's almost certainly right.

Yes the evil overlord list will help you. Stop laughing

No Black Magic. Especially if Loki taught you.

No Red Shirts. It makes the amount of blood loss difficult to determine, makes for poor stealth and we've watched Star Trek.

Don't call goons with bad aim Stormtroopers. We've heard the joke a thousand times before.

Screamers are forbidden. Triggering PTSD isn't funny and our therapists have enough shit to deal with.

The Captain America Shield is not for target practice.

And no we are not named after it. At least we really hope not. That would be awkward.

Your training in basic hacking is not to be used to harass ex-partners.


End file.
